Nothing makes me cringe more than a parent scolding a child for saying “no”. If you are one of these parents, just give me a chance to explain.
My background is in psychology with a focus on development and behavior. I had my daughter the year I was finishing my degree, which meant I was pouring over books about parenting and behavior and incorporating those things that made the most sense to me into the discussions that her dad and I had regarding the way we would parent. We decided the two most important factors to the both of us were instilling tolerance of others and having open communication.
Though many see a child’s saying “no” as the ultimate defiance of a parent’s directive, I see it as a way to build a child’s communication skills. Ask questions, find out what the child is really objecting to, and then find a suitable compromise. It isn't always possible to compromise, but kids want to know that you hear them. Explain why this is something that cannot be compromised.
Nothing can escalate a situation more than a parent scolding an already upset child telling them that they are further in trouble because they just said “no” to an adult. Empathy can de-escalate that same child nearly every time. When my kids say, “no” to me. My first tool is empathy. You’d be amazed at how far this goes! A child stomps their foot and states, “No, I’m not going to bed!” The parent replies, “I know it’s hard to go to bed after having so much fun, but today is done and it’s time to go to sleep. Tomorrow is another day to have fun.” Depending on how animated I feel like being, using empathy when the kids say “no” has actually resulted in more times of giggles then tears. I empathize that I hate going to bed too and stomp my feet and pout and the kids think I'm the funniest clown around. But, they also head to bed.
Other times, kids are saying “no” because they want to express an opinion that they may not have the words to say. Older kids especially need to have a sit down not a shouting match when they say, “no”. This is a great opportunity to use active listening skills by sitting on the same level, face-to-face, asking open ended questions, and summarizing their concerns before trying to find a compromise that will benefit you both.
"Because I said so!" Is the biggest parent cop out ever. I don't allow myself to say it. If I cannot give specific, logical reasons that I am giving a directive then I need to assess why I'm telling my child to do something or stop doing something. Quite often after I have given my reasons, there is no further complaint because now my child understands the "why" behind the directive. (Or at least what I'm asking is done even if there is further complaint.)
The most important reason that I never tell my children not to say "no" to me is that there are times that I WANT my child to say “no”. I want them to be confident enough to stand up and say “no” to bullies, especially those bullies, who are targeting another child and even more so if that bully is an adult. I want them to say, “no” to injustice and intolerance. I want them to say “no” to predators and get away from them. Most of all, I want my children to express themselves and if saying “no” is a part of that, that’s OK! I want my children to feel confident enough and comfortable enough to come to me with any problem, no matter how disappointed they think I’ll be, before they take matters into their own hands.
I’m not saying that a child saying, “no” can’t be frustrating. I’ve been known to lose my cool on more than one occasion. However, I try my best to practice positive parenting and allow my children to voice their feelings.
